I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground - like you!

last night my bro suddenly asked for the scanner driver. later he scanned a few old photos of him. and this morning, while checking his updated FS profile, I realized. it HAS been five years. since my beloved grandma passed away. how could I forget. it's exactly seven days after my birthday!

it's just another reason for me to dread over my birthday (since 2002). so many people died, that time of the year. my grandpa (july 5th), pakcik din - one of my uncle, (july 1st). well these two left us earlier, when I was too young to really feel the lost. so, not so much impact as my grandma did to me.

to be honest, I never move on. I break down everytime I see an old lady. in anyway. walking across the street, chatting with grandchild, gardening around the house, doing some chores. all I see is my atuk rumah. that's the name we called her by. coz she was the housewife, while our grandpa had a coffee shop, I think. so we called him atuk kedai.

why this one hurt so bad? maybe coz of what happened the night before. sigh. my two cousins and I got to help the elders gave her the last bath (?) by that time, I sort of shut off. I didn't know what to feel. until it was done, and I saw kakngah wiped her tears. then it all came back. she's gone, for good.

I know, I'm not suppose to meratap over the dead. wish I could help it. I guess I don't want to let go, just yet.

nani rindu kat atuk. al fatihah...